That Particular Bell
by dS-Tiff
Summary: Two days after the events of 'Tech, Drugs and Rock 'n' Roll', Walter has been thinking about what happened and apologising to Toby leads to some uncharacteristic soul-searching.


_**This was such a fantastic episode, but it would have been nice to see more of the aftermath and the effect it had on the team. So I wrote this! I hope you like it, all comments welcome. :)**_

 **THAT PARTICULAR BELL**

"Morning Sly, how's the leg?"

"A little achy this morning, thanks Toby, but it's OK."

"You keeping it elevated?"

"Just like you said."

Walter couldn't help overhearing the conversation between Toby and Sylvester from his desk upstairs in the loft. He mentally chastised himself for not asking Sylvester about his leg when his young friend had arrived at the garage earlier. If Paige had been there she would have reminded him, but Paige was spending the day with Ralph. Of course Walter cared about Sylvester as much as Toby did, but it just hadn't occurred to him to ask, assuming if his leg was anything other than OK Sylvester would have mentioned it.

Besides, Walter's mind had been on other things all morning. He'd been waiting for Toby to arrive - he wanted to talk to him. Ray had promised to cover for him with the foreman for as long as it took, but he really hoped it wouldn't take long.

Walter clicked on the intercom. "Toby, please could you come up here?" He waited for the sarcastic response, but instead all he got was an abrupt, "OK," from the doc.

Walter should have done this yesterday, he realised that now. Instead he had treated yesterday like any other day, working his community service with Ray and even socialising with his new friend in the evening. In fact, it was talking with Ray that had made Walter realise he needed to clear the air with Toby. What happened in Richard Elia's building the day before had taken its toll on the whole team, but Walter had – mistakenly, he now realised – simply drawn a line under the whole incident and moved on. Something Ray had said last night had hit a nerve with him, though. "Hell, Wally, if I was Terry," - Ray could never get their names right - "I'd have smacked you in the face as soon as my heart started beating again!"

Walter tugged at the bandage on his arm. The burn was itching. He knew that meant the skin was starting to heal, but it didn't make it any less uncomfortable. He looked up as Toby appeared at the top of the stairs.

"What's up?" asked Toby, adjusting his hat as he spoke.

"Nothing. Well, er, well there is something," replied Walter, sounding more flustered than he'd hoped he would.

Toby studied him for a moment. Walter realised it would be easy to allow Toby to read him and draw his own conclusions about how guilty he was feeling, but that was the easy way out. Walter wanted to tell him how he felt in his own words, but now the moment had arrived all the words he had rehearsed in his mind seemed to have become jumbled.

"You don't have to do this," said Toby, graciously.

"I… I… I do," insisted Walter. "I know you probably know what I'm about to say…"

"Hey, I'm a genius, I'm not psychic," Toby interrupted him. "But I do know you're sorry about what happened, so let's just leave it at that. As much as I'd probably enjoy watching you squirm through another apology, you've already apologised and we're good."

"It's not quite as simple as that," replied Walter with a sigh. "I also wanted to thank you."

"What for?" asked Toby, his eyebrows raised in a questioning manner. "For not staying dead?"

"Well, yes, that of course," admitted Walter. "But also I… I wanted to thank you for… for calling me out. The situation had become rather…well, rather intense."

"Someone needed to drag you out of there," replied Toby. "Before things got out of hand. Well, even more out of hand. Out of handier? Grammatically incorrect, I admit, but you know what I mean."

Walter fiddled with his bandage and avoided eye contact with Toby. "You were right, I had become consumed by my embarrassment and by the desire to prove to Elia that I could save the building and everyone in it and I was taking unnecessary risks," he said. "If you hadn't stopped me, I don't know what else I may have done in my determination to succeed."

"Walter, I know why you did what you did," Toby answered. "Even though I was clinically dead for several minutes…"

"I would prefer it if you didn't refer to it that way," Walter said quietly.

"Well pardon me, but that's how I remember it. Except of course I don't remember the part when I was actually dead," said Toby. "You can't pretend it didn't happen, you just have to accept what you did and why you did it. I have."

"I can't un-ring that particular bell," Walter said, echoing the analogy Toby had made on the day.

"Exactly," agreed Toby. "Look, I'm OK with it so you can be OK with it too. I can't say I'm over the moon about the decision you made, but I know you thought you were doing the right thing at the time. You ran the numbers and, like you said, there was a very high probability you would be able to revive me. You might not know this about me, Walter, but I do like to place the occasional wager so I do get it."

"But you would never gamble with a friend's life," Walter said, pulling at the end of his bandage. "That's essentially what I did and… and I just can't seem to make sense of it."

"Boy, you're really beating yourself up over this," noted Toby, sympathetically.

"I should have found another way," Walter concluded.

"Was there another way?" asked Toby.

Walter shrugged. "Possibly," he replied. "There was a chance I could have rebooted the…"

"It doesn't matter," Toby interrupted him. "I'm still around to keep you in check so let's just forget it ever happened."

Walter nodded slowly and tried adjusting his bandage again.

"Oh, wait a minute," said Toby suddenly. "There's something else, isn't there. This is more than just guilt and embarrassment now. You're… you're really scared. You're terrified that you won't be able to stop yourself from taking another huge risk one day."

Walter tried not to gasp. He shouldn't be surprised that Toby had hit the proverbial nail on the head so quickly, but it was still a little unsettling. "Well, I wouldn't say terrified exactly," he said.

"I would," insisted Toby. He regarded his friend for a moment. Walter was fumbling with his bandage again, but he was throwing out all sorts of markers and Toby didn't quite know where to start with him. He rarely saw Walter so worked up emotionally. "Why don't I fix that dressing for you?" he suggested.

"Please," replied Walter. "It slipped yesterday while I was working with Ray and I can't seem to get it secured properly with one hand."

"Sit down," said Toby and Walter took a seat on the couch. Toby sat beside him and began unwrapping the bandages that covered the burn on Walter's arm. "Happy told me how this happened," he said as he worked. "She said you didn't even realise you were on fire."

"That is correct," confirmed Walter. "I was really not having a good day," he noted, dryly.

"And the award for understatement of the year goes to Walter O'Brien," said Toby with a smirk. "Wait a second... did you just use humour in a self-deprecating manner?"

"I'm learning," replied Walter with the tiniest hint of a smile.

"Great coping mechanism," noted Toby.

Walter nodded and watched in silence as Toby started to refasten the bandage. The burn was very uncomfortable today and it was distracting his thoughts which he really wasn't used to. "Happy was correct, I was so focused on containing the fire that somehow I didn't notice," he explained.

"OK, well part of that would have been the adrenaline," replied Toby.

"Yes, I know," nodded Walter. "But part of it was me being completely lost in achieving the goal." He paused for a moment before speaking again. "Toby, can I ask you something?"

"Maybe later," deadpanned Toby, but he couldn't keep a straight face and Walter quickly cottoned on.

"Oh, I see, you're not being serious. Very amusing," said Walter.

Toby grinned. "Fire away," he said.

"OK. OK. You see, I've been doing a lot of thinking," Walter began. "Carrying out manual labour is a good opportunity to mull things over. Something has occurred to me and it has… well, it's…"

"Scared the hell outta you?" Toby offered.

"Hmm," agreed Walter. "This is a level of apprehension that I haven't really felt before," he continued. "So, the thing is… do you… do you think that what happened is a sign that… that I am… that I could…" Walter tried, but he simply couldn't get the words out.

"You're scared of losing control," Toby stated. "That's pretty normal, but for you it's a much bigger deal because you're used to having all the answers. You're the biggest control freak I know."

"Yes, yes," nodded Walter.

"That's not necessarily something to be proud of," Toby pointed out, leaving the bandage alone for a moment to concentrate on the conversation.

"I know," replied Walter. "And I am aware that I don't have all the answers all the time, particularly when it comes to matters involving my emotions, but I've never felt quite so…" It was no good, he just didn't know how to articulate his feelings.

"OK, so you think because you lost sight of the bigger picture and took a ridiculous amount of risk this time, most notably with my life, that you might…" Toby began, but he paused to study Walter's reaction. He was used to Walter being wound tighter than a spring, but this was a whole new level. Then it hit him. "Oh, I get it!" he exclaimed. "You think you're gonna wind up like Mark Collins!"

This time Walter really did gasp. "Are you aware of just how disconcerting it is when you do that?" he asked.

"Maybe?" replied Toby with a sly grin. "Maybe that's why I enjoy doing it so much?"

Walter brow furrowed into a frown. "How did you know that I've been thinking about Mark?"

"Because that fear has been at the back of your mind ever since you had that crazy psycho committed," Toby explained. "And what happened in Elia's building has thrust that fear forward, accompanied by a marching band and a big neon sign."

"Mark's insanity stemmed from his inability to see the bigger picture," said Walter. "He became all consumed by one thing at the expense of everything else."

"The difference between you and Collins is that you're not a psychopath," Toby tried to reassure him.

"Are you certain?" asked Walter.

"Are you questioning my abilities now?" asked Toby, with mock indignation. "Maybe you really are crazy after all?

"Of course I don't doubt your skills as a psychiatrist," insisted Walter. "It's just that… I'm sorry, I appear to be having difficulty expressing myself with any kind of eloquency."

"Listen," said Toby, firmly. "If I thought for one second that you were heading down the same path as Collins, I would stop you. I wouldn't let that happen, I wouldn't even let you get close. Understood?"

Walter nodded. "I know," he said.

"There, all done," announced Toby, as he finished working on Walter's arm. "How does it feel now?"

Walter bent and straightened his elbow and was relieved to find the bandage was no longer slipping. "Much better, thank you."

"Listen to me, Walter," said Toby seriously. "You're not heading down that rabbit hole, despite what happened the other day, so stop worrying yourself stupid about it."

Walter nodded. "Thanks," he said. "I'm sure you're right."

"I am," insisted Toby. "Remember when you burnt your other arm? Jumping out of that plane? Remember how crazy it seemed back then? We've come a long way since then."

Walter smiled. "We certainly have."

"And we're all on a learning curve," continued Toby. "But we have each other, the whole team… assuming you don't kill anyone."

Walter was about to object to Toby's insinuation when he realised it had been meant as a light-hearted dig. "I'll try not to," he replied, earnestly.

"Then everything's gonna be fine!" said Toby, getting to his feet.

"That's a huge relief," noted Walter. "Now I really must go before Ray runs out of excuses for my tardiness."

"I'm glad you two are getting along," said Toby. "Just tell me he won't be living here forever."

Walter laughed. "You know, he's really not quite as annoying as he first appears," he said.

"That's good to know," noted Toby. "In that case, do yourself a favour and don't kill him today."

"I'll do my best," replied Walter, rolling his eyes at yet another gibe. "You know, earlier you advised me to forget about what I did to you, so how long do you plan to continue reminding me of it?" he asked.

"Oh, for a long time yet, 1-9-7," replied Toby with a grin. "A long, long time."

THE END


End file.
